It is official, I have finally joined a cult. There was always a good chance of this happening really, I’m your classic cult type as I’m a joiner. Not the wood and saw type of joiner of course, that would be silly, I’m a thing joiner. I see a queue, I’ll join it just to see what’s on the other end. I see a group advertised nearby I’ll join it. I see a volunteer request, I’ll join it. Therefore it wasn’t going to be long before a cult came calling and of course what am I going to do? Join it.
This isn’t any old cult though, not some silly little cult that is stockpiling for a zombie invasion for me. Oh no, I have gone for one of the biggest cults in the world. I have joined fat club. Now of course those of you who know me will be uttering that classic line…but you don’t need to join a fat club. The Pavlovian response that is said to everyone who ever joins the cult even when it’s blatantly obvious that they do. However in my case it’s true, I don’t really. Mr F however, has been saying he wants to lose a bit of weight. Therefore having done some research I found the local group (which tempted me with the offer of a free book – that was the biggest disappointment ever!) and as the ever supportive girlfriend I nagged him into submission and we signed up to our local branch of fat cult.
It really is a revelation and I have to say that I am absolutely convinced of the fact that fat club is a cult. Behold the evidence:
· It has thousands and thousands of members but its members are silent. I bet 50% of the people you know are members although like all good clubs the first rule is that you don’t talk about it. Well rules are made to be broken, so go on ask someone. You’d be amazed at how many are fellow fatties.
· It’s leader might change but there is always someone in the wings. Branches of the cult may be marketed under different leaders yet they all follow the teachings of one person – Nicola at Pinkneys Health Farm. For those of you unaware of this women, she was profiled on a Victoria Wood programme a few years ago https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKdjxY0SCQs
· It’s members are all brainwashed during their initiation. Once brainwashing is complete, conversations will no longer be around normal adult themes. Instead cult members will focus only on naughty bites. You are allowed a certain number of naughty bites a day which is how they hook you in. Then once you start counting the brainwashing is complete and you are now one of them.
· Whatever the leader says the cult followers agree with, and apologise no matter how ridiculous. For example, ‘Oooo Vicky, half a pound on this week, have you had a naughty week?’ ‘Yes Nicola, I’m very sorry. I did eat that one peanut I found down the back of the sofa and once I started I just couldn’t stop. I ate the lemon bonbon that was stuck in the hoover bag and the chocolate button that the dog has chewed. I promise I will try harder next week’
If that isn’t enough to make you realise it’s a cult then finally the biggest indicator is the fact it calls itself a business. Yet if any member stopped counting naughty bites long enough to re-enter the real world they would soon realise that the whole business modal is decidedly dubious. You join in order to lose weight, if you lost weight you wouldn’t need to be in the club, therefore the business would lose its clients, why has no one spotted this glaringly obvious flaw? Members of fat club don’t leave, some have been there for decades and clearly haven’t lost weight.
You see, fat club is a cult. It’s the scariest type as well, because believe you me, once you are in that reinforced floor room you are never getting out. The combined bulk of the long term members would stop an overweight elephant in it’s tracks. It’s too late for me, I am a joiner and so I am stuck but save yourself! Go the gym, they’ll never find you in there.